Four weeks ago today I spent $685.00 at the Grand Opening of a new Nordstrom store. Typically this would have been like any other fun outing with the girls. Drink some champagne, spend some money. But it was my Last Hurrah before settling in for what I anticipated would be a long and difficult journey.
So far there have been ups and downs.
UP- I have a few extra bucks from selling on eBay.
DOWN- going to the store with friends and family is no longer fun.
I was afraid this would happen and it would change the dynamics of some of my relationships, afraid that some of them were based largely on "the gal with the most toys wins". I've come to grips with the label of "shopaholic". I've been in denial for so many years that it may take a while longer to understand the impact it has had on my life. I have so many questions that I want answered about the guilt, the grief and the transition– Can I move from shopaholic to normal to simplified? In doing so will I have to move through the stages of grief? Do I have to move through all of them or can I sign up for the accelerated program?
Grieving is already happening. It settled in when I went to Ikea with my friend. It intensified when I realized the shopping trips to Target with my daughter are in jeopardy. It hangs over me when I contemplate "Sisters", the vacation every year when my mom, my sisters and I race to see how much money we can spend in a weekend. Here is a picture of the back of my mom's SUV during last Octobers Sisters weekend. There is some luggage in the back, but behind the luggage, on top of the luggage and in the back seat are many, many packages that the four of us bought over the course of a day! There is another picture I can't post to protect the innocent, but it shows my mom and aunt in the back seat holding packages on their laps, clear up to their noses. We were lucky we didn't get pulled over by the state troopers and ticketed for EXCESS SHOPPING.
I'm sitting here writing this with a half gallon of Mint Chip ice cream trading off space with my laptop. Write, scoop, write, scoop. Twenty minutes ago I got back from a yoga class. Frankly, it didn't help. I'm worked into a frenzy from writing this, not because I'm worried about my selling my STUFF, or not being able to buy more STUFF, but because I'm terribly afraid that my (hold on, I just had to scoop some ice cream into my mouth…) RELATIONSHIPS are going to drastically change.
And that scares me.
Four weeks. No shopping. Four weeks sober and very proud, but scared to death.